starting over,

to me starting over is equally exciting in scary. exciting as in; rebuilding my itunes from scratch, feeling nervous & excited at the same time, getting happy when i hear a song that reminds me of somebody, realizing that im young& theres so much out there that i still havent seen and explored& felt yet. nervous at the fact that i forgot how this whole what to do after the first date & how to act thing works. today when i was in the car i was like damn im so happy right now, it feels so good to do something for me for once. & it feels good to be driven around& it feels good to be looked into my eyes as corny as that sounds. im not trying to leave my life behind, im just simply putting a pause on things so i can remember what its like to be me & what its like to have people in my life that enjoy my company.
(like gule- sean paul)

im trying my best to not let things get to me, but its hard. nights& mornings are the worst, its when i think of you the most & its when i miss you the most. i havent been seeing you around that much lately, usually you're everywhere. ur what i eat, what i think, what i smell & whats talked about. maybe its because you really havent been around in a while, i havent seen you or felt you or kissed you you, the you thats mine. you have no idea how much i miss the best of you& me.
(cant help but wait-trey songs)

starting over means leaving things& doing something bigger& better. this time my starting over doesnt consist of people, it consists of me. MEEEE finally (: nobody else but me me me, my goals, my life & what i want finally. i think thats what makes me that happiest.
(do it-nelly furtado)

tuesday my sociology teacher asked us to describe love in three words. one guy said crazy, tied down descriptions of love & some other girl said commitment, compromise & something else. its amazing how love is so different to everyone, it could mean one thing to me & something completely different to someone else. love to me is bliss, passion, & companionship. maybe im not ready to do all that yet. i might mess up& maybe the other person doesnt want the same. idk right now there are too many what ifs, & nothing is really done. maybe its because nothing is actually ready to be done, im not at that point in my life where i can live up to my own expectations of love.
(simple kind of lovely-maroon 5; in your atmosphere-john mayer)
i just want a simple kind of lovely& the memories will be okay.

going to sleep with drake, happiness& peace on my mind/

too many things to write about,

lately ive really been feeling like writing. theres so many thoughts going on right now its ridiccccc. this180 has left me second-guessing everything. should i make a right turn here, should i keep doing the same thing, should i react differently, how do i talk to guys again? am i this, am i that, do i really want this, do i really want that. and still after nineteen years i still have no idea what the effff i want!! its the most frustrating thing in the world i promise you. the other day i found myself on the phone talking to the lady that worked at Expedia like she should try to figure out what the fuck i was talking about cuz clearly i had no clue what i was talking about either. i just want to say that i hope i hope i hope i hope that i'll find a way to start wanting things & regain all the stuff i lost. i know what i do want, i really want a nice camera, not a digital camera but one that i can hang around my neck to capture a little moment here&there. and i want to take guitar lessons again, i stopped a long time ago but its something i remember liking. & i like reading&writing so i wan tto do more of that for myself too.

ive been hanging out with people who ive kinda neglected for a while and ive realized that all the people who have been in my life were/are all here for different reasons. & i realized that no matter what the ones that were your true friends/ lovers will still be around no matter what happens, rain or shine, a 3 year period of not talking they will still care if you cry at 12 am, they will still laugh at things they always used to laugh at & they'll still love everything that they've ever loved about you. my biggest problem in life used to be that i wasnt able to let go of things in my life, that no matter what i had to hold on to everything because I wanted it, i didnt care about what other people wanted because well, thats just what i wanted, i wanted my room messy because i just didnt want anything to be different & i didnt want to lose anythng. i used to make people stay when they wanted to leave because thats what i wanted. i was so afraid of unhappy endings that i really made all endings unhappy. instead of embracing change and goodbyes i despised them. it was my selfishness& controlling sense of mind that made me only want to do things for myself, sometimes people dont want to love you& sometimes people really dont want to go with you to a volleyball game, & theres nothing you can do about it, so after forfucking ever i learned that i cant change everything& that i cant make people do what they dont want to do & i just have to accept what things are.


ill write the rest later i just got really sleepy.