lately ive really been feeling like writing. theres so many thoughts going on right now its ridiccccc. this180 has left me second-guessing everything. should i make a right turn here, should i keep doing the same thing, should i react differently, how do i talk to guys again? am i this, am i that, do i really want this, do i really want that. and still after nineteen years i still have no idea what the effff i want!! its the most frustrating thing in the world i promise you. the other day i found myself on the phone talking to the lady that worked at Expedia like she should try to figure out what the fuck i was talking about cuz clearly i had no clue what i was talking about either. i just want to say that i hope i hope i hope i hope that i'll find a way to start wanting things & regain all the stuff i lost. i know what i do want, i really want a nice camera, not a digital camera but one that i can hang around my neck to capture a little moment here&there. and i want to take guitar lessons again, i stopped a long time ago but its something i remember liking. & i like reading&writing so i wan tto do more of that for myself too.
ive been hanging out with people who ive kinda neglected for a while and ive realized that all the people who have been in my life were/are all here for different reasons. & i realized that no matter what the ones that were your true friends/ lovers will still be around no matter what happens, rain or shine, a 3 year period of not talking they will still care if you cry at 12 am, they will still laugh at things they always used to laugh at & they'll still love everything that they've ever loved about you. my biggest problem in life used to be that i wasnt able to let go of things in my life, that no matter what i had to hold on to everything because I wanted it, i didnt care about what other people wanted because well, thats just what i wanted, i wanted my room messy because i just didnt want anything to be different & i didnt want to lose anythng. i used to make people stay when they wanted to leave because thats what i wanted. i was so afraid of unhappy endings that i really made all endings unhappy. instead of embracing change and goodbyes i despised them. it was my selfishness& controlling sense of mind that made me only want to do things for myself, sometimes people dont want to love you& sometimes people really dont want to go with you to a volleyball game, & theres nothing you can do about it, so after forfucking ever i learned that i cant change everything& that i cant make people do what they dont want to do & i just have to accept what things are.
ill write the rest later i just got really sleepy.
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