to me starting over is equally exciting in scary. exciting as in; rebuilding my itunes from scratch, feeling nervous & excited at the same time, getting happy when i hear a song that reminds me of somebody, realizing that im young& theres so much out there that i still havent seen and explored& felt yet. nervous at the fact that i forgot how this whole what to do after the first date & how to act thing works. today when i was in the car i was like damn im so happy right now, it feels so good to do something for me for once. & it feels good to be driven around& it feels good to be looked into my eyes as corny as that sounds. im not trying to leave my life behind, im just simply putting a pause on things so i can remember what its like to be me & what its like to have people in my life that enjoy my company.
(like gule- sean paul)
im trying my best to not let things get to me, but its hard. nights& mornings are the worst, its when i think of you the most & its when i miss you the most. i havent been seeing you around that much lately, usually you're everywhere. ur what i eat, what i think, what i smell & whats talked about. maybe its because you really havent been around in a while, i havent seen you or felt you or kissed you you, the you thats mine. you have no idea how much i miss the best of you& me.
(cant help but wait-trey songs)
starting over means leaving things& doing something bigger& better. this time my starting over doesnt consist of people, it consists of me. MEEEE finally (: nobody else but me me me, my goals, my life & what i want finally. i think thats what makes me that happiest.
(do it-nelly furtado)
tuesday my sociology teacher asked us to describe love in three words. one guy said crazy, tied down descriptions of love & some other girl said commitment, compromise & something else. its amazing how love is so different to everyone, it could mean one thing to me & something completely different to someone else. love to me is bliss, passion, & companionship. maybe im not ready to do all that yet. i might mess up& maybe the other person doesnt want the same. idk right now there are too many what ifs, & nothing is really done. maybe its because nothing is actually ready to be done, im not at that point in my life where i can live up to my own expectations of love.
(simple kind of lovely-maroon 5; in your atmosphere-john mayer)
i just want a simple kind of lovely& the memories will be okay.
going to sleep with drake, happiness& peace on my mind/
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
too many things to write about,
lately ive really been feeling like writing. theres so many thoughts going on right now its ridiccccc. this180 has left me second-guessing everything. should i make a right turn here, should i keep doing the same thing, should i react differently, how do i talk to guys again? am i this, am i that, do i really want this, do i really want that. and still after nineteen years i still have no idea what the effff i want!! its the most frustrating thing in the world i promise you. the other day i found myself on the phone talking to the lady that worked at Expedia like she should try to figure out what the fuck i was talking about cuz clearly i had no clue what i was talking about either. i just want to say that i hope i hope i hope i hope that i'll find a way to start wanting things & regain all the stuff i lost. i know what i do want, i really want a nice camera, not a digital camera but one that i can hang around my neck to capture a little moment here&there. and i want to take guitar lessons again, i stopped a long time ago but its something i remember liking. & i like reading&writing so i wan tto do more of that for myself too.
ive been hanging out with people who ive kinda neglected for a while and ive realized that all the people who have been in my life were/are all here for different reasons. & i realized that no matter what the ones that were your true friends/ lovers will still be around no matter what happens, rain or shine, a 3 year period of not talking they will still care if you cry at 12 am, they will still laugh at things they always used to laugh at & they'll still love everything that they've ever loved about you. my biggest problem in life used to be that i wasnt able to let go of things in my life, that no matter what i had to hold on to everything because I wanted it, i didnt care about what other people wanted because well, thats just what i wanted, i wanted my room messy because i just didnt want anything to be different & i didnt want to lose anythng. i used to make people stay when they wanted to leave because thats what i wanted. i was so afraid of unhappy endings that i really made all endings unhappy. instead of embracing change and goodbyes i despised them. it was my selfishness& controlling sense of mind that made me only want to do things for myself, sometimes people dont want to love you& sometimes people really dont want to go with you to a volleyball game, & theres nothing you can do about it, so after forfucking ever i learned that i cant change everything& that i cant make people do what they dont want to do & i just have to accept what things are.
ill write the rest later i just got really sleepy.
ive been hanging out with people who ive kinda neglected for a while and ive realized that all the people who have been in my life were/are all here for different reasons. & i realized that no matter what the ones that were your true friends/ lovers will still be around no matter what happens, rain or shine, a 3 year period of not talking they will still care if you cry at 12 am, they will still laugh at things they always used to laugh at & they'll still love everything that they've ever loved about you. my biggest problem in life used to be that i wasnt able to let go of things in my life, that no matter what i had to hold on to everything because I wanted it, i didnt care about what other people wanted because well, thats just what i wanted, i wanted my room messy because i just didnt want anything to be different & i didnt want to lose anythng. i used to make people stay when they wanted to leave because thats what i wanted. i was so afraid of unhappy endings that i really made all endings unhappy. instead of embracing change and goodbyes i despised them. it was my selfishness& controlling sense of mind that made me only want to do things for myself, sometimes people dont want to love you& sometimes people really dont want to go with you to a volleyball game, & theres nothing you can do about it, so after forfucking ever i learned that i cant change everything& that i cant make people do what they dont want to do & i just have to accept what things are.
ill write the rest later i just got really sleepy.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
birthday
so i havent posted in a while, there isnt really much going on in my life.
today is the day that the lord made for me, as dc would like to say.
its the one day out of the year where its supposed you be about you, just ONE day
its set up to be something, but every year its the exact same thing, i get disappointed in some way by a person or an action
somebody forgets, somebody acts like a bitch, someone is too caught up in their own shit
i mean i get it everybody has their own shit but its like wtf id fucking travel across the world to do things for the people that i love, like honestly its just the little things and if the people you love cant even treat you with the same respect that you treat them with then what's the use right ? random ass people leaving comments or people calling me at 12 to wish me a happy birthday because they waited up JUST for me.
im done with everybody else, things like a birthday always show true colors, sure you care but when it's really important or when i really really needed you where were you.
its my birthday & where are you
i've surrounded myself with selfish people all my life because i like being needed, my insecurities take over my emotions and happiness because im too worried about everybody else but myself. and starting today myself is my top priority, everybody else is just liviing in my world, so sorry in advance.
this isn't about one person because so many of you only think about yourself. ironic i think not.
today is the day that the lord made for me, as dc would like to say.
its the one day out of the year where its supposed you be about you, just ONE day
its set up to be something, but every year its the exact same thing, i get disappointed in some way by a person or an action
somebody forgets, somebody acts like a bitch, someone is too caught up in their own shit
i mean i get it everybody has their own shit but its like wtf id fucking travel across the world to do things for the people that i love, like honestly its just the little things and if the people you love cant even treat you with the same respect that you treat them with then what's the use right ? random ass people leaving comments or people calling me at 12 to wish me a happy birthday because they waited up JUST for me.
im done with everybody else, things like a birthday always show true colors, sure you care but when it's really important or when i really really needed you where were you.
its my birthday & where are you
i've surrounded myself with selfish people all my life because i like being needed, my insecurities take over my emotions and happiness because im too worried about everybody else but myself. and starting today myself is my top priority, everybody else is just liviing in my world, so sorry in advance.
this isn't about one person because so many of you only think about yourself. ironic i think not.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
havent blogged in FOREVER
okay so this is me bitching out . dont read if you want to be bored to death.
but i feel much better now :D
so hereee we go . OKAY , SO LATELY
ive been quite an emotional WRECK. like shit oaweijfawefaowefb aowenfawefnoawiejfawoiejfawoejfawefawei <<< thats exactly how i feel. like you know when you want something to go exactly your way, like theres a perfect picture that you've painted, then bam it just doesnt work out that way. like i just want everything to be PERFECT, but instead im pushing and pushing & eventually you wont be there anymore. i feel it, because honestly i cant even stand myself. how can i ask you to put up with me ? sometimes i just need reassurance like yes im going to be here stop freaking out you're just pushing me away. okay ill stop freaking out im sorry . girls are so fucking emotional ya know. like SHIT can i like stop. like i cant get over how fucking annoying i am. im like so much how can anyone put up with me ?!!!!!!!! ugh that shit frustrates me . like i cant help it, i really want to help it but im so helpless and restless. i just want you to hang in there. theres a rough path just ride it out and try to be as understanding as possible. like seriously ?! IM the one who ruins everything, like everything i ruin. ruin i everything. haha but ya i dont know why, like i have some fucking possessed body inside of me who likes ruining things then when its out of me i feel sad for bitching or acting crazy BUT I CANT FUCKING HELP IT.
anyways blah shits gay. everyones in school & im not i just have this stupid online class that kills and its so annoying the teacher is all blah too BTW; blah= sucks, gay, fucking sucks, feeling sad/ gay lonely mad depressed.
but i feel much better now :D
so hereee we go . OKAY , SO LATELY
ive been quite an emotional WRECK. like shit oaweijfawefaowefb aowenfawefnoawiejfawoiejfawoejfawefawei <<< thats exactly how i feel. like you know when you want something to go exactly your way, like theres a perfect picture that you've painted, then bam it just doesnt work out that way. like i just want everything to be PERFECT, but instead im pushing and pushing & eventually you wont be there anymore. i feel it, because honestly i cant even stand myself. how can i ask you to put up with me ? sometimes i just need reassurance like yes im going to be here stop freaking out you're just pushing me away. okay ill stop freaking out im sorry . girls are so fucking emotional ya know. like SHIT can i like stop. like i cant get over how fucking annoying i am. im like so much how can anyone put up with me ?!!!!!!!! ugh that shit frustrates me . like i cant help it, i really want to help it but im so helpless and restless. i just want you to hang in there. theres a rough path just ride it out and try to be as understanding as possible. like seriously ?! IM the one who ruins everything, like everything i ruin. ruin i everything. haha but ya i dont know why, like i have some fucking possessed body inside of me who likes ruining things then when its out of me i feel sad for bitching or acting crazy BUT I CANT FUCKING HELP IT.
anyways blah shits gay. everyones in school & im not i just have this stupid online class that kills and its so annoying the teacher is all blah too BTW; blah= sucks, gay, fucking sucks, feeling sad/ gay lonely mad depressed.
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