starting over,

to me starting over is equally exciting in scary. exciting as in; rebuilding my itunes from scratch, feeling nervous & excited at the same time, getting happy when i hear a song that reminds me of somebody, realizing that im young& theres so much out there that i still havent seen and explored& felt yet. nervous at the fact that i forgot how this whole what to do after the first date & how to act thing works. today when i was in the car i was like damn im so happy right now, it feels so good to do something for me for once. & it feels good to be driven around& it feels good to be looked into my eyes as corny as that sounds. im not trying to leave my life behind, im just simply putting a pause on things so i can remember what its like to be me & what its like to have people in my life that enjoy my company.
(like gule- sean paul)

im trying my best to not let things get to me, but its hard. nights& mornings are the worst, its when i think of you the most & its when i miss you the most. i havent been seeing you around that much lately, usually you're everywhere. ur what i eat, what i think, what i smell & whats talked about. maybe its because you really havent been around in a while, i havent seen you or felt you or kissed you you, the you thats mine. you have no idea how much i miss the best of you& me.
(cant help but wait-trey songs)

starting over means leaving things& doing something bigger& better. this time my starting over doesnt consist of people, it consists of me. MEEEE finally (: nobody else but me me me, my goals, my life & what i want finally. i think thats what makes me that happiest.
(do it-nelly furtado)

tuesday my sociology teacher asked us to describe love in three words. one guy said crazy, tied down descriptions of love & some other girl said commitment, compromise & something else. its amazing how love is so different to everyone, it could mean one thing to me & something completely different to someone else. love to me is bliss, passion, & companionship. maybe im not ready to do all that yet. i might mess up& maybe the other person doesnt want the same. idk right now there are too many what ifs, & nothing is really done. maybe its because nothing is actually ready to be done, im not at that point in my life where i can live up to my own expectations of love.
(simple kind of lovely-maroon 5; in your atmosphere-john mayer)
i just want a simple kind of lovely& the memories will be okay.

going to sleep with drake, happiness& peace on my mind/

too many things to write about,

lately ive really been feeling like writing. theres so many thoughts going on right now its ridiccccc. this180 has left me second-guessing everything. should i make a right turn here, should i keep doing the same thing, should i react differently, how do i talk to guys again? am i this, am i that, do i really want this, do i really want that. and still after nineteen years i still have no idea what the effff i want!! its the most frustrating thing in the world i promise you. the other day i found myself on the phone talking to the lady that worked at Expedia like she should try to figure out what the fuck i was talking about cuz clearly i had no clue what i was talking about either. i just want to say that i hope i hope i hope i hope that i'll find a way to start wanting things & regain all the stuff i lost. i know what i do want, i really want a nice camera, not a digital camera but one that i can hang around my neck to capture a little moment here&there. and i want to take guitar lessons again, i stopped a long time ago but its something i remember liking. & i like reading&writing so i wan tto do more of that for myself too.

ive been hanging out with people who ive kinda neglected for a while and ive realized that all the people who have been in my life were/are all here for different reasons. & i realized that no matter what the ones that were your true friends/ lovers will still be around no matter what happens, rain or shine, a 3 year period of not talking they will still care if you cry at 12 am, they will still laugh at things they always used to laugh at & they'll still love everything that they've ever loved about you. my biggest problem in life used to be that i wasnt able to let go of things in my life, that no matter what i had to hold on to everything because I wanted it, i didnt care about what other people wanted because well, thats just what i wanted, i wanted my room messy because i just didnt want anything to be different & i didnt want to lose anythng. i used to make people stay when they wanted to leave because thats what i wanted. i was so afraid of unhappy endings that i really made all endings unhappy. instead of embracing change and goodbyes i despised them. it was my selfishness& controlling sense of mind that made me only want to do things for myself, sometimes people dont want to love you& sometimes people really dont want to go with you to a volleyball game, & theres nothing you can do about it, so after forfucking ever i learned that i cant change everything& that i cant make people do what they dont want to do & i just have to accept what things are.


ill write the rest later i just got really sleepy.

birthday

so i havent posted in a while, there isnt really much going on in my life.
today is the day that the lord made for me, as dc would like to say.
its the one day out of the year where its supposed you be about you, just ONE day
its set up to be something, but every year its the exact same thing, i get disappointed in some way by a person or an action
somebody forgets, somebody acts like a bitch, someone is too caught up in their own shit
i mean i get it everybody has their own shit but its like wtf id fucking travel across the world to do things for the people that i love, like honestly its just the little things and if the people you love cant even treat you with the same respect that you treat them with then what's the use right ? random ass people leaving comments or people calling me at 12 to wish me a happy birthday because they waited up JUST for me.
im done with everybody else, things like a birthday always show true colors, sure you care but when it's really important or when i really really needed you where were you.
its my birthday & where are you
i've surrounded myself with selfish people all my life because i like being needed, my insecurities take over my emotions and happiness because im too worried about everybody else but myself. and starting today myself is my top priority, everybody else is just liviing in my world, so sorry in advance.

this isn't about one person because so many of you only think about yourself. ironic i think not.

havent blogged in FOREVER

okay so this is me bitching out . dont read if you want to be bored to death.
but i feel much better now :D













so hereee we go . OKAY , SO LATELY
ive been quite an emotional WRECK. like shit oaweijfawefaowefb aowenfawefnoawiejfawoiejfawoejfawefawei <<< thats exactly how i feel. like you know when you want something to go exactly your way, like theres a perfect picture that you've painted, then bam it just doesnt work out that way. like i just want everything to be PERFECT, but instead im pushing and pushing & eventually you wont be there anymore. i feel it, because honestly i cant even stand myself. how can i ask you to put up with me ? sometimes i just need reassurance like yes im going to be here stop freaking out you're just pushing me away. okay ill stop freaking out im sorry . girls are so fucking emotional ya know. like SHIT can i like stop. like i cant get over how fucking annoying i am. im like so much how can anyone put up with me ?!!!!!!!! ugh that shit frustrates me . like i cant help it, i really want to help it but im so helpless and restless. i just want you to hang in there. theres a rough path just ride it out and try to be as understanding as possible. like seriously ?! IM the one who ruins everything, like everything i ruin. ruin i everything. haha but ya i dont know why, like i have some fucking possessed body inside of me who likes ruining things then when its out of me i feel sad for bitching or acting crazy BUT I CANT FUCKING HELP IT.


anyways blah shits gay. everyones in school & im not i just have this stupid online class that kills and its so annoying the teacher is all blah too BTW; blah= sucks, gay, fucking sucks, feeling sad/ gay lonely mad depressed.

gahhhh !

whooo lets see . 

so ive been doing a lot of thinking lately 

and ive realized that ive spent most of my life waiting for something 

waiting on friends 

waiting on boys

waiting on love

waiting on my life to start

and im tiiired of waiting ! 

thats all i do is wait and wait

and im going to start doing and doing

you can expect so much out of a person but for what ?

youre supposed to be able to rely on those you love and care for 

but it always conveniently seems that im a convenience 

when you're in need of something im the first person there for you 

if it has to be listening to you cry on the phone

to taking you places that you cant take yourself to

to being there when nobody else is 

and its a weird time for most of us i guess

some people cant handle the pressures of life 

and seem to forget the people that were there from the start

or maybe its just me . 

maybe its both of us . 

maybe im the only one stuck in US

and what should happen or shouldnt happen

but its teaching me to move on quickly

ill always be here 

but people change 

and just like you . im going to have to as well . 

so heres to moving forward in life

with or without you . 

CATCHING UPPPPPPPPP up and away .

gah . SEPTEMBER had to be the worst month of maybe my lifetime . i dont think one good thing came out of it . except my job which i got because of reyna . thankfully haha. anyways were do i start ? i guess i never really talked about school . its pretty chill i mean its only tuesdays and thursdays so ya  . but thursday are the worst cuz i go from like 8-5 and thats an effing drag  . but its way different than high school and i like it a lot i just have a harrrrd time waking up im not meant to be a morning person. but anywhooo . 

a lot of shits happened and i guess it either made me realize so much more or made me feel like fuck everything mode. its confusing . im glad things went the way they went. it made me open my eyes to actual reality and how nothing is quite what it seems. im just doing me and thats how it has to be from here on out . you can rely on people for certain things but when you rely on people when it comes to your heart or your emotions it doesnt quite work out the way you planned. but im the queen of second chances and i have a lot of hope in us . i want to be able to look back in five years and know that i made the right decision . and it may turn out that way or it may not . im leaning more towards the may . its hard when you feel things that you've never felt in your life and dont really know how to handle emotions that you should know how to handle. but ya thats where i am in that aspect of my life . just riding things out and hoping and looking for the best in him. 

it sucks when you have to start a new chapter in your life because that automatically means another one has to close which is really dumb . and im the type of person who cant be alone unfortunately well at least when it comes to my friends. and reyna leaving is another one of the hardest things ive had to deal with; i cry like every other day its so hard not having someone to go to ALL the time. its making me handle certain situations by myself but its always good to have someone to confide in . and i was with her like 24/8 and now im like shit what am i going to do. and now i miss the fact that she liked to go out so much i should have taken advantage of that cuz now im like fuck i want to go out . but pedro and eric cant fill the place of a girl . well at least one cant ahhaa . jk ! but ya i feel super lonely without her and i want her to come back we see each other but its not the same comforting feeling that i usually get when im around her . cuz i know that we eventually have to say goodbye again . 

halloweeeeen is coming !!! yay so were going to santa barbara for halloweeeen . and its going to crackkk . were gna be well idk i forgot oh ya haha sexy ass vampires ahha it may sound stupid but we'll make it look cute . im excited about that but you can always tell when one person isnt as excited as the other . yeee .

im just dragging on with life right now . looking forward to not as many things as i usually do . i miss a lot of people like real bad . i miss seeing people everyday and especially when you've shared so much with so many people  . it sucks that people have to separate . but ill get over it  . but i still miss a couple people a lot . i think reyna knows who im talking about . =/

till my next blog :D 

peaaaceee x333

99 problems . . . BUT

i can honestly say that this is one of the hardest things that ive ever had to do. mentally you know exactly what to do, you know the thing thats best for you . you know what everybody tells you is probably right . but when youre in the situation everything is way more difficult , when your heart is the one doing the talking it hurts way more . i dont understand how you can put so much time and effort into a person and care about them so much . how your WHOLE entire world can revolve around this person . and you wonder what you are to them . how many other peoples world revolves around this person ? it shouldnt be this difficult . i really thought i was okay and i feel like im strong i really do . but im not . i cant take this i cant have every word said and every word read keep repeating in my mind . it kills me . and i hope that this time will be different . i hope , but how much pain can a person take . and you have to wonder if people can really change . when you said youve changed the last two times it seemed so real and so believeable . it seemed like everything would get better . like the world was right and everything just fit . but when you look deeper you realize that everything that you told me was based on a lie . so i guess all you can do is wish. and lets hope that this string doesnt rip before my heart completely splits in two.

but i dont see it coming yet

hopefully one day  . . . 

satc<3

welllllll lets see . 

sex and the city being lazy all day is the lifeee

ya know ?

well ive let go well im trying atleast and hopefully and ive made progress since last nigh aha last night  

hard to believe but ya i have

man my laptop battery dies so fast

i feel like  can relate to carrie & big so much its ridiculous haha

i had an amazing breakfast . a mexican style one 

theres nothing really to talk about but that fact that i love where im at in my life right now minus the work ha  . but regardless im happy . and thats just great for me <3333

reynas blog